Mallrats
by IlovesmonkeysIdo
Summary: Parody of the Kevin Smith Movie. Tommy and Kimi are having relationship trouble (mainly because of her father)Phil and Rene are having trouble (mainly because of Phil) and it all centres around the local mall
1. Joining the framing buisness

**_Ok another new story from me. well it's a parody so not really new. Anyway here you go. Very mature language from the get-go. You have beem warned_**

* * *

_"This one time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.  
It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room.  
So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, 'Jesus, Walt ! You know you're gonna get this cat stuck in your ass too. Why don't you knock it off ?'  
And he said to me, 'Phil, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?'  
My cousin was a weird guy."_

* * *

**MALLRATS!!!!!!!!!**

* * *

An old Station Wagon pulled around the corner and drove onto the drive way where a young women was waiting. The driver jumped out and smiled at her.  
  
"Kimi Finster, come on down. I'm takin' your ass to Florida. Let's go, let's go. Where's your luggage ? The plane leaves in an hour. " He said as he began to make room in the trunk.  
  
Kimi sighed and looked at him "Tommy, Did you see Julie Dwyer last night?"  
  
"Err...yeah, yeah, I saw her at the video store.She was talking about being on your dad's stupid game show." he said as a thought occurred to him "He's not here, is he?"  
  
"Yeah, he's inside." she said making Tommy sigh "Did you tell her every time you're on TV you look ten pounds heavier?"  
  
Tommy laughs uneasily and scratches the back of his neck "Uh, well, yeah. I told her that the way TV shows are shot sometimes make you look a lot fatter than you are.Why, what'd she do? Call up and cancel?"  
  
Kimi bites her lip "No, not exactly. Tommy, You know Julie had a huge weight problem in school. She had the fattest ass. When you said that to her, she went straight up to the Y.M.C.A. And started doing laps..." she stopped to take a breath "Because she wanted to be fit for the show tonight, And... Well... In the middle of her 700th lap, This embolism popped in her brain... And she dropped dead, right in mid-backstroke."  
  
"She's dead?" he exclaimed  
  
Kimi nodded before she continued "Then her sister told her parents why she was doing all the laps, And it got back to my father, and, and-- Shit, T, He's really pissed at you. I mean, it's awful about Julie's death, and... Now he doesn't even have a female contestant for his show."  
  
"Can't you calm him down?"  
  
"I've done that."  
  
"Thank god! How?"  
  
"I told him I'd do the show." she said nervously  
  
"Good." he said until he realized what she had just said "WHAT? Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no. W-w-we're leaving for Florida."  
  
"Tommy, I can't go. I've gotta stay here."  
  
"No, no, no, no. I've got something planned for Florida. No, we gotta go." He begged  
  
"Tommy, I'm doing this to get you out of trouble with my father. Help him out of a bind. Which, you know, you kind of-- well, at least a little responsible for." she said with a nervous smile  
  
Tommy growled and slammed the trunk door "I bet he's happy as a pig in shit you're not going away with me."  
  
"Are you kidding ? He's absolutely devastated about Julie."  
  
**Inside**

* * *

Chaz gets out of the shower and starts boxing in front of a mirror while making "karate noises" (I know it's out of character, right?)  
  
**Outside**

* * *

"I can't believe you! Kimi, the guy hates me !I bet he sees this tragedy as an excellent opportunity to keep you from going away with me."  
  
"Would you calm down? I mean, you're being a complete ass."  
  
**Inside**

* * *

Chaz does a kick which makes his towel fall off revealing his ass  
  
**Outside**

* * *

"Sometimes I almost forget that you're such a daddy's girl. It makes me sick." he says shaking his head  
  
"Oh. Well, you know what I thinks sick? This relationship." She says as she storms of toward the house  
  
"Kimi, come on. I thought we weren't going through this makeup/breakup shit anymore." he shouted after her  
  
"Yeah, well, you can just forget about making up. You know, you are exactly like my father. It's always about what you need, what you've got planned. 'Screw everybody else. My shit is more important.' You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed as he is. In fact, the two of you have so much in common, I think you should date each other!" she shouted back slamming the door  
  
"Kimi-- Kimi, wait!" Tommy shouted after her but it was too late. He groaned before getting back in the car and driving off  
  
**Phil**

* * *

Sitting up in his bed, Phil was fast asleep. Or he was until Rene began hitting him on his head. It took her several attempts, but he soon woke up  
  
"Sweet fucking Christ ! Would you knock it off ! God." he looks at her upset expression "What?" he said with a sigh "What time is it?"  
  
"9:30." she said looking at him  
  
"Man, go back to sleep." he said before he got a better idea. He rummaged around his bed until he found his game controller and started playing the game he had left from the night before  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" she asked  
  
"Finishing my game." he simply stated as he continued to play ice hockey  
  
"No, no, no. You promised me breakfast." she said hitting his arm  
  
"Breakfast?" he asked dumbfounded "Breakfast, schmrekfest. Look at the score. I'm only in the middle of the second And I'm winning 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene. Now, Hartford, the whale? Hey, they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime." she sighed and got up to find her clothes "Ya hit the bathroom already?" he asked  
  
"Don't worry, I didn't let your mother see me."  
  
"Who's worried?" he said not looking away from his game  
  
"Are you kidding me? I've never met a person who lives in as much fear of his mother as you do."  
  
"I do not."  
  
"Is that's why I have to sneak in here after every one's asleep and sneak out in the morning?" she said dryly  
  
"You want I should tell my mother what we do in here at night?" he said finally taking his attention from the game  
  
"What? That you play video games and I fall asleep unfulfilled? Go ahead. It beats this sneaking-around shit."  
  
"What can I say ? She doesn't like you." he said returning back to his game  
  
"You've never introduced me."  
  
"Yeah, 'cause you're always in the goddamn bathroom. What do you do in there?"  
  
"Do you really wanna know?"  
  
"I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of the concerned guy." he said still playing his game  
  
"I cry."  
  
"You cry?"  
  
"I cry."  
  
"Any particular reason?"  
  
"I think about people that make decisions that affect our lives." she said as she began moving a chest of drawers toward the window "The doctors who make advancements in curing diseases. The engineer that designs skyscrapers. The guy that maps out a plane's flight path."  
  
"The navigator." he said still playing the game  
  
"I think about how those people are out there everyday, making a difference, leading big lives, and how they refuse to be intimidated by the tremendous odds of failure they face; How they only concern themselves with peers and company that apply to their goals and noble causes."  
  
"Jesus, I'd hate to tell you what I think about in the bathroom." Phil replied  
  
"I think about all that, and I cry." she said climbing on top of the chest of drawers "Because I have nothing better to do than fuck you." she says throwing a letter at him before climbing out the window.  
  
He quickly read it  
  
"You're dumping me?" he shouts after her before taking another glance "Is this because I didn't introduce you to my mother?"  
  
**Tommy**

* * *

Tommy pulls into Phil's driveway. He's quickly out before knocking on the door  
  
"You're a fickle broad, man." Phil mumbles as he answers the door expecting Rene "Holy shit! If it isn't mon frere." he said as Phil let him inside  
  
"The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched." he said as they entered Phil's room in the basement  
  
"You're such an anal retentive bastard."  
  
"I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but no, You wanted to play little league instead."  
  
"What's that?" Tommy asked noticing something on Phil's wall that wasn't comic related  
  
"Like it ? I framed it before you got here." he said going back to his game again  
  
"Oh, my god ! Rene dumped you." he said turning back to Phil who shrugged his shoulders  
  
"Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorned for sega."  
  
"Wow, look at this laundry list of complaints. 'You have no direction; No college ambition; No job prospect.'"  
  
"It also says I have no dick, but you'll notice that follows the financial question, Proving once more what women really look for."  
  
"She calls you callow."  
  
"You say that like it's bad."  
  
"Well, it means 'frightened and weak-willed.'"  
  
"Really?" he asked "Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary."  
  
Tommy laughed before sitting down next to him.  
  
"Ah, well, you're lucky. Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter with obscure adjectives."  
  
"What are you telling me here?" he said taking his attention away from the game  
  
"I, to now am in the framing business."  
  
"Holy shit.Kimi dumped you?  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Aren't you two supposed to go to Florida?"  
  
"We should've left this morning."  
  
"That sucks dude"  
  
"Oh, it gets worse. I was gonna propose to her."  
  
"Really? Where?"  
  
"On the Universal Tour."  
  
"You're kidding ! What part?" he asked sounding rather excited  
  
"When Jaws pops out of the water." Phil looks at Tommy in awe  
  
"That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard."  
  
"Well, too bad I'm not trying to marry you."  
  
"Let me ask you something. Did you ever fart in front of her?"  
  
Tommy laughs "Why do you ask?"  
  
"I never farted in front of Rene, not once. Then last week, I let one slip. Today, she dumps me." Tommy laughs again  
  
"You think that that's why Rene dumped you? Come on, she's not the shallow type."  
  
"Well she was going down on me at the time."  
  
"Shut up!" Tommy said laughing more  
  
"What can I say ? I was feeling very relaxed. I'm relaxed... I squirt."  
  
"If all she did was dump you got off light."  
  
"I can't believe this shit. Why are we trying to figure out where we went wrong with our relationships..."  
  
"I think we nailed it, in your case." tommy said stifling another laugh  
  
"There is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss."  
  
"Ritual suicide?"  
  
"No, you idiot! The fuckin' mall!"  
  
"I prefer ritual suicide."  
  
"Come on, it'll be great." Phil said, but Tommy was still not convinced " They have new cookies at the cookie stand. They're awesome." Phil said with his cheeky smile

* * *

**_This is one of my favorite movies of all times and as you know when I like a movie I make a Rugrat parody lol. I hope you like it!_** **_Please R/R_**


	2. Relax your eyes

"Ahhh I love the smell of commerce in the mourning!" Phil shouted as he and Tommy entered the mall  
  
"Wow, you're making that last." Tommy said pointing at the cup of OJ Phil had brought with him  
  
"Waste not, want no..." he started saying until a tall guy ran into him. Spilling the OJ all over Phil  
  
"Aren't you gonna say something?" The tall guy asked trying to intimidate Phil  
  
"Yeah, about a million things. Express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand 'em all!" He shouted at the guy  
  
"Fuck you." he said walking away  
  
"What was that all about?" Tommy asked as the 2 began walking into the mall  
  
"He works at Fashionable male the crappy shop on the second floor, he's the manager. The guy's always giving me shit. I have no idea why though"  
  
"I thought everybody loved you at this mall."  
  
"Fuck him. So where do you wanna go first?"  
  
"Back to Kimi's"  
  
"Kimi is the past, my friend." Phil said as he began to walk backwards "She's behind you now. You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage." he said turning around and smacked his head against a pole a builder was carrying  
  
"You should learn to heed your own advice." Tommy said as Phil sat up  
  
"Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here?"  
  
"Looks like a stage is being erected."  
  
"What is this monstrosity?" he said getting to his feet  
  
"Maybe it's for the easter bunny pictures."  
  
"Impossible ! The easter bunny corner is down at the other end of the mall. It's been up since two days after Christmas. I want answers!"  
  
"Ask one of the workers."  
  
"No. There's a soul who might know what's up." Phil said as the 2 headed over to a guy standing next to the stage staring at a hidden eye picture "Willam? Willam!"  
  
The guy turns around and looks at the 2 "Oh Phil? Do you work here now?"  
  
"No, man, just hanging with Tommy."  
  
"Willam, what exactly are you doing?" Tommy asked  
  
"Looking for the hidden picture." Willam said and tommy looked at Phil  
  
"If you stare long enough, you're supposed to see some hidden, three-dimensional picture." Phil explained. Tommy turned and looked at the picture and a smile crept onto his face  
  
"Oh, yeah, look, it's a sailboat."  
  
"You saw it too? Damn it!" Willam shouted  
  
"What?"  
  
"I've been staring at this thing for a week now, And I can't see a goddamn thing!"  
  
"You gotta relax your eyes." Phil said tapping his back  
  
"Everyone sees this thing except me. But today's my day. I brought a lunch and a soda. I'm not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about."  
  
Tommy and Phil look at each other and laugh a little "So, Willam, would you happen to know what this stage business is all about?"  
  
"It's not a stage! I'm gonna see the sailboat if I have to go blind trying." Willam shouted looking at the picture again  
  
"No, man, this stage over here." Phil said pointing at the stage  
  
"Oh, that thing. Some game show in the mall today. I think it's gonna be on TV. It's called truth or date or something."  
  
"Oh, my god ! That's Kimi's father's game show." Tommy shouted slapping his head  
  
"What is it?" Phil asked as he saw the sailboat and smiled  
  
"It's this cheesy dating game rip-off thing. It's supposed to be for college kids. Trying to capture the youth market with a staple of 70s television."  
  
"Now why can't they bring back or remake good shows like B.J. And the bear?Now, there's a concept I can't get enough of a man and his monkey." Phil said much to the agreement of Tommy  
  
"Would you guys shut up ? You're breaking my concentration." Willam shouted at the two  
  
"Sorry, Willam."  
  
"Now I have to start all over again."  
  
"Good luck with that thing."  
  
"Yeah, man, remember, relax your eyes." Phil said as the two walked off. As they did a little boy walked up next to Willam and looked at the picture  
  
"Wow, a sailboat."  
  
"Shut up!"

* * *

"Could this week get any worse?" Tommy sighed "Now she's gonna be auctioned off on live TV from a mall."  
  
"Not a mall. The mall. Show some respect. But it doesn't have to go down like that if we trash the thing."  
  
"Now there's a unique way of getting back in her good graces ruining her father's show." he said sarcastically  
  
"I can get somebody to do it so we'll be blame-free and Kimi won't be able to do the show."  
  
"Who is this imaginary hatchet man?"  
  
"Hatchet men." Phil said pointing toward a long haired man dancing and a larger man standing next to him. The bigger guy was looking with great intent at something in his hand  
  
"Knock it off." The long haired guy said smacking the bigger guys hand before turning to the window behind him "Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty." he began shouting while knocking on the window  
  
"Hey, Jay!" Phil shouted at the long haired man  
  
"Phil, man! Noochie-noochies. And look at this shit. The mad, fat chick killer." Jay said dancing over to the 2  
  
"Can't believe how fast word travels in this town." Tommy said  
  
"What's he doing?" Phil asked pointing to the other guy  
  
"Shit head here watched empire and Jedi last week and he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. Crazy fuck thinks he'll levitate shit with his thoughts. Knock it off!" he said hitting his hand again  
  
"The force is strong with this one." Phil said as the other guy nodded  
  
"Don't encourage him. So what can a smooth pimp daddy like me do for you guys"  
  
"I was just telling Tommy we gotta find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's any one that can help us out, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us."  
  
"What is this shit ? Everyone's looking for us today. We're duckin' Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to obi-wan about her video setup."  
  
"Why him?" Tommy asked  
  
"Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using chicken wire and shit. Motherfucker's like macgyver-- no, mother fucker's better than macgyver!"  
  
"It's that kinda smarts we need, right, mopey?" Phil said turning to Tommy  
  
"Leave me out of this"  
  
"We need to embark on a little sabotage mission on behalf of Tommy's love life."  
  
Jay and Silent Bob look at each other before they begin dancing together  
  
"Stage dive." Jay shouts as he jumps into Phil  
  
"You know about this game show they got goin' on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen."  
  
"Is that it?" Jay asked "Shit! We were gonna do that anyway.  
  
"Really? Why?" Tommy asked sounding confused  
  
"What else we gonna do?" Jay said shrugging his shoulders "Silent bob stole the schematic of the stage from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness, just like the fuckin' death star. He figures you pull this crossbeam out-- bickety-bam ! The whole stage comes down."  
  
"We were thinkin' about somethin' simple, but if you wanna destroy the stage, we're all for that." Phil said with his cheeky smile  
  
"Only problem is Lafours."  
  
"Who's Lafours?"  
  
"You don't know Lafours ? They don't know who Lafours is." Jay said as he and Silent Bob shook their heads "Lafours is only the most feared security guard in the business. Four hundred and sixty collars, all convicted. I hear he's even got two kills."  
  
"Holy shit. I never thought I'd see the day when two such reputable mischief makers douse their drawers at the sight of a mall security guard."  
  
"Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust that stage like a high school kegger. We're just gonna outwit lafours, x-men style."  
  
"Should I call you 'Logan,' Weapon X?"  
  
"No, 'Wolverine !'" Jay said as he began to imitate Wolverine "Snicktey-snicktey-snoime!"  
  
"He's imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws."  
  
"I never would've guessed." Tommy said shaking his head  
  
"You have your mission. Go forth and wreak havoc." Phil said with his smile  
  
"Bye, baby kitties. Damn, Silent Bob, show some heart." jay said hitting Silent Bobs arm  
  
Bob turned and waved to the kitty's  
  
"That's better. We're on the job."  
  
"Thanks." Phil said as the 2 ran off "I have to admit I'm shocked you didn't try to dissuade them."  
  
Tommy laughs "I would if I thought they could pull it off."  
  
"Oh, ye of little faith. Want a cookie?" he said with his cheeky smile again  
  
**Willam**

* * *

A group of kids walk up to the picture where Willam is  
  
"What's he doing?" A little girl asks  
  
"Oh. Well if you stare at this poster for a few seconds, a hidden picture appears."  
  
"Can we do it, please, please?" The kids plead with the women they are with  
  
"Oh all right, go ahead. But hurry, the easter bunny's waiting."  
  
They stare for a while until a little girl shouts out "Wow, it's a schooner."  
  
Willam laughs "You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner. It's a sailboat"  
  
"A schooner is a sailboat, stupid-head." A little boy says  
  
Willam looks at them and snaps "You know what? There is no easter bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!" he screams as the kids run off and Willam returns to the picture  
  
**And heres the next part, of this awesome movie. Please R/R**


	3. Stan Lee?

"But they're engaged." Tommy stated while Phil shook his head and began eating his cookie 

"Doesn't matter, it can't happen."

"Why not ? It's bound to come up."

"It's impossible. Lois could never have superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm ? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back"  
Phil said much to the disgust of Tommy

"What about her womb ? You think it's strong enough to carry his child?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"He's an alien, for christ's sake! His kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like wonder woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom, but that would kill him."

Tommy looks at Phil bemused "How is it I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Kimi to man of steel coital debates with you in the food court?"

"Cookie stand is not part of the food court." Phil stated

"Of course it is."

"The food court is downstairs; The cookie stand is upstairs. We're not talking quantum physics here."

"The cookie stand counts as an eatery the eatery's part of the food court."

"Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the square downstairs qualify as food court. Anything outside of said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. If you're gonna wax intellectual about the subject...holy shit!" Phil said seeing someone "Wait here."

"Where you going?"

"Chercher la femme." Phil said walking away

Rene is looking at some tops in a shop when Phil walks up to her

"That would look terrible on you." he said with his cheeky smile

"Didn't I dump your ass this morning?" she asked walking away

"Look, I know you've had some time to think about the mistake you've made, and I just wanna let you know you don't have to apologize. I'm sure you were just PMSing or something."

"What kills me about you is your inability to function on the same plane of existence as the rest of us. Piss off."

"Okay, okay, I see you wanna continue with this charade of ending our union. Fine, I'll play along. If we're divorced, we're gonna have to divide our possessions."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Punisher war journal number six, my copy of fletch, and the remote to my tv. It's gonna be hard to give this stuff up because of its sentimental attachment..." he started until Rene started talking

"Sentimental attachment ? If I have that crap, it's 'cause you brought it over and left it at my place"

"Ok. Let's talk about a schedule for visitation rights?"

"For what?"

"For the mall. You can have the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends...."

"Phil" Rene says but he continues "When there's any special function like a sidewalk sale..."

"Phil! I have always taken you with a grain of salt. Your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from mighty mouse, I said okay. On prom night, you asked me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide." she said stroking his face before pulling hard on his ear. "But if you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your shit with a smile now that were not together you're in for some serious fucking disappointment." she growled letting go of his ear and walking off

Phil rubbed his ear and looked at the old women looking at him "What?"

**Jay and Silent Bob**

* * *

Jay and Silent Bob are sat down looking at a very crudely drawn blueprint. 

"Ok phase one. You take a run at lafours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. NOOCH! Ok you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure, wolvie-berserk style, knock out the fuckin' pin, and bickety-bam-- the motherfucker's rubble. Hence, no game show."

Jay and Bob look at each other and nod before Jay starts to fill a sock with quaters. As he does a little kid with a wooden train starts to look at the plans. Silent Bob scares him off before Jay hands him the sock. Bob starts to swing the sock and starts running toward Lafours. As he does the kid with the tain pushes it infront of him and Bob ends up slipping on it and going the wrong direction and accidently bursting in on a women changing

**Phil and Tommy

* * *

**

The two are going down an escalator when Phil spots a kid sitting down on the up escalator and points to him

"What? Do you know that kid?" Tommy asks

"I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!" Phil shouts loudly

"What is with you today?"

"Don't get me wrong. I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!"

"Sort of a harsh lesson don't you think?"

"Man, there's not a year goes by. Not a year that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've been easily avoided had some parent. I don't care which one. But some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!" he shouted at the mother once again "Wow, look who it is."

A young girl is sat on a bench looking through a small black book which Phil knocks out of her hand

"Jerk." she said as Tommy ran and picked up her book and handed it back

"Little Tricia Jones. What's a pretty girl like you doing alone in the middle of this monument to consumerism?" Phil asks

"Updating my calendar and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob. And I suppose you're here with no agenda, as per usual."

"On the contrary, I'm here for comics. Tommy Pickles this is Tricia Jones. They call her Trish the dish."

"Nobody calls me that."

"Our little Tricia here is only 15, but somehow she's a senior."

"How'd you manage that?" Tommy asked

Phil immitates someone giving a BJ

"Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off."

"Yeah, right. So, what do you say ? You wanna nail Tommy or what?"

"Jesus, Phil!" Tommy shouts smaking his friends head

"Calm down. Tricia's compiling data for this book she's writing about the sex drive of men, Ages 14 to 30. If I remember correctly, it's titled bore-gasm: Study of the nineties' male sexual prowess. Ready to get sick ? Tell him about the advance you got."

"Pendant publishing gave me $20,000 based on a treatment and a sample chapter."

"You're kidding."

"She'll be the youngest author to tackle the subject. Tricia here sleeps with a bunch of guys as research. And if that's not enough, She videotapes all of them."

"What?"

"I get everybody's consent before we do it. Most guys get off on it. Men are easily amused."

"Wh-what are you writing in the calendar?"

"I was coding. Last night's research."

"She means sex." Phil said dryly

"I know what she meant! What kind of codes?"

"Here, look. The smiley face is for when I go down on a guy. The smiley face with lashes is for when the guy goes down on me. The circle is when we have sex. The circle with the "x" is for when I have an orgasm. The little house is when we do it inside, and the grass is for outside."

"That kid...That kid is back on the escalator again!" Phil shouted looking back to the escalators

"How old was last night's subject, if you don't mind?" Tommy asked ignoring Phil

"Twenty-five. It was the guy who runs that store fashionable male."

"Holy shit ! You slept with that asshole?" Phil asked

"I needed a 25-year-old. And he has quite a distaste for you, I might add."

"He mentioned me during sex?"

"Afterwards. He says he wants to kick your ass. I'd steer clear of him if I were you."

"Tell me you videotaped him saying that."

"No. I shut the camera off after the sex. You should've heard the stuff he wanted to do."

"I'm having a hard time with this. Do your parents know about this?" Tommy asked

"Of course."

"It's remarkable."

"That's criminal. That kid-- that kid is back on the escalator again!" Phil shouted at the mother again

"Would you leave it alone?"

"What?"

"I heard you were going to propose to Kimi Finster in some theme park. When are men going to learn women want romance, Not mr. Toad's wild ride?"

"Be fair, all right? Everyone wants Mr. Toad's wild ride. We gotta go. And remember my offer. I'm young, virile, sensitive to a woman's needs."

"Somehow I doubt it, sega boy. Good luck with the comic book store." Tricia said as the 2 walked away

"Sega boy. God, Rene's got a big mouth. What does that mean, 'good luck with the comic book store?'"

"How does that junior masters and johnson know about my proposal?"

"It's not like she's in an exclusive club."

"What are you talking about?"

"Sean Hartle's giving everyone the inside scoop."

"What's he saying?"

"How her father made her do the game show so you couldn't take her to florida. Now what the hell is this shit?" Phil shouted as he saw the huge line outside the comic book store "What do you gotta do to get Comics around this place? One side, red! Hey, what the hell's going on here?" Phil shouted at this guy at the enterance

"I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall."

"Warned? What are you talking about?"

"Tell him, Steve Dave!" another comic book fan shouted

"Fuck you, fan-boy!" Phil shouted as he swung for him only for Tommy to grab him

"Would you two testosterone-seething, he-man comic book fans finish up with this. I got some questions that need answering." Tommy shouted

"Who's in there?" Phil shouted

"You gotta ask me nicely."

"Fuck you!" Phil shouts while the other guy begins blowing a whistle and a security guard tries to grab him

"Phil, get the hell off." Tommy says pulling him back

"Come on! You fuckers think that 'cause a guy reads comics, he can't start some shit ! I'll fuckin' take all you on!"

Suddenly a girl screams and everyone looks over when a security guard runs over to them

"Somebody get a medic ! There's a little boy caught in the escalator!" he shouted as the security guard that had Phil ran off

"Hey come back here and arrest this goon!" the guy at the door ahouted

"You're fucking next!" Phil shouts as Tommy grabs him

"Jesus Phil"

"No I'm not going anywhere until I find out why I can't get my comics."

"All right. Wait a sec" Tommy says running towards a guy "Excuse me?"

"Don't hit me." the guy says squirming away

"Err...sorry. Why is there a line?"

"Stan Lee's signing comics."

Phil drops his cup and looks at the guy in disbelief.

"Stan Lee?"


End file.
